Uncertainty Feeds the Beast

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Whenever I’m faced with a lot of uncertainty in life, my anxiety becomes almost too much to bare.  In fact, I don’t bare it; I just get busy.  Ever since I decided to put my place up for sale, I’ve made myself busy.

I’ve busied myself at work and at home.  When I have down time, I’m at the gym or decluttering, or studying.  If I try to sit still and relax, I get extremely restless.  With restlessness comes snacking or gum chewing.  Normally, I would turn to wine and a piece of nicorette, but I’ve quit both.  My only option is to just keep going.

Unfortuneately, my body is retaliating.  Last night at the gym, my stomach started to ache, and I broke out in cold sweats.  I was physically cold while pushing myself on the spin bike — that’s just not right.  I barely made it through an hour of cardio without doubling over in pain.  When I got home, I made a quick dinner which made my stomach hurt even more.  I tried to relax on the couch, but soon had a case of the body chills.  I ended up going to bed by 8pm.  I’m feeling much the same today as I did yesterday, and I know what I need is rest.  Not just physically, but mentally.

I hate my anxiety.  I want to feel ok — NORMAL.  I’m tired of fighting, and I’m tired of the constant battle that goes on in my head.  I’m always at war with myself to quit all the things that help me cope with feeling anxious, and it’s exhausting.  What’s worse is when I feel this way, I stop writing.

I want to write, but nothing comes out.  I stare at the blank screen, type a few words and then trash the post.  The uncertainty of life is feeding the anxiety beast; making it stronger by the minute.  Every waking minute is an exercise in self-reassurance.  BAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH ——————————–Breathe.

I’ve hammered out this post, and believe me it wasn’t easy.  I’m going through the motions of life with the hopes that my brain will fall back into sync.  So this is it, all I have for today.  Maybe I’m fighting something off, and that’s all this is. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.  Maybe one day I will be strong enough to fight the beast and win.

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