“We are all fighting our own battles in life” — Smartgirl
Addiction is just another way of saying “there is something controlling me.” I’ve been controlled by many things: food or lack of it, alcohol, drugs, sex, cigarettes, and last but not least Nicorette (nicotine gum). I typically jump from crutch to crutch, but nicorette has by far been my longest standing addiction to date. Three weeks ago, I gave it up again.
I seem to be on a cleansing kick — quit my meds; quit my gum. How Zen of me!!!
This isn’t my first time coming off the gum. I’ve been on and off it since I quit smoking over 12 years ago. If it didn’t cost so much money, I don’t think I would be trying to quit again. I hate being off of it. Now that I’ve quit, I’m chewing between 2 to 3 packs of regular gum a day and I’m craving sweets. NOT GOOD. Anything that increases my appetite is an enemy of mine, but my gum chewing habit has to go — I can’t afford the $60/week habit any longer.
I have always suffered from a constant feeling of needing something. I have a hard time centering myself without some type of aid. Basically, my brain needs a constant; otherwise, I feel restless and unable to focus. Meditation and calming exercises help, but only for the short-term: as long as I am doing them. I’ve yet to find a job that allows for repeated meditation breaks.
My life feels like a constant battle of trying to not do things. Don’t eat too much, don’t drink too much, stop smoking, stop chewing gum, stop spending too much money, stop worrying so much…. it gets tiring. I’m tired today.
Tomorrow is a new day, however, and I can only hope to feel more alert and less restless. On a very positive note, my toes look amazing after my mom and my spa visit last night. We had a 55 min swedish massage followed by a 55 min pedi — it was magnificent.