Hope

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Hope is like the sun, which, as we journey towards it, casts the shadow of our burden behind us … It lends promise to the future and purpose to the past. It turns discouragement to determination.

SAMUEL SMILES

 

Today I’m filled with hope!  At 3:00pm today, I will have my first psychologist appointment in over 5 years, and it will be my first ever being unmedicated.  I’m nervous to go, but I’m hoping to come out of it with some new tools to deal with my anxiety and depression.

I’m getting desperate for some relief, as I’m now at the point where my sleep is suffering.  With less sleep, I’m more anxious and my focus is non-existent.  I’m barely writing because my thoughts are depressing; I don’t want to share them.  I see myself slowly retreating from the world.  I don’t want to the world to see me like this, so I hide.  Every day holds a different mood for me, but for the past week, it has been consistently low.  The more I try to snap out of it, the deeper I seem to slip.  I have two options: go back on meds or try therapy.  I’m trying therapy because I will do anything to stay medication free.

When I made the decision to discontinue medication after 10 years, I told myself I’d wait at least 3 months to determine if I could do it.  It’s now been just over two, and based on my emotional ups and downs, going back on them seems imminent.  Every tear I’ve cried discourages me.  I wanted to remember what it felt like to be me: I remember now, and I don’t know if I can handle it.  To give up, however, seems like failure.  Have I really given myself the tools to be successful?  No.  I haven’t.

I need help; professional help.  It was naive of me to think I could just stop taking my medication and everything would be ok.  I’m hanging on by only the faintest of remembrance as to why I wanted to be med free to begin with.  My desire to desire, and my longing to feel deeply again are still here.  I’ve been able to feel the lows intensely, so I’m optimistic I will be able to eventually feel the highs.

Today I have hope for a brighter tomorrow.  Even if it’s only a flicker of light.

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