Slowing Down the Hampster Wheel

It’s 7:00am on a Sunday morning, and I’m uncharacteristically sitting up in bed writing a blog post.  I haven’t been sleeping well, so this morning instead of fighting it, I got up and soaked in a hot tub.  My whole body ached through the night, due to my usual over-training, so the bath was a welcomed treat.   I lasted about 10 minutes in the tub before I was drying myself off, sweeping the bathroom floor, starting up a load of laundry, tidying up th living room, and just when I was about to sit down and start my school work, I stopped.

What the hell is wrong with me?  Don’t answer that I already know the answer; my questions was figurative.

When I realized I was on autopilot “just doing” I took a moment and changed the direction of my morning.  I’m not going to start today in a big rush to get shit done.  Instead, I’m going to stay in bed and write.  Studying will follow, but at least I am doing something I enjoy first.  It occured to me, however, that I am always in a hurry.  I need to get this done, or that done, there’s shopping to do, a workout to fit in, the dog needs a walk, the house is a mess, etc etc etc, yet I never seem to be able to get it all done.  I compare myself to what looks like perfection in other peoples lives, and I don’t stack up.  I get so overwhelmed that by the time evening rolls around, I’ve exhausted myself.  ANXIETY DISORDERS SUCK.

Mindfullness it so difficult for me.  I don’t realize what I am doing most of the time; I just GO GO GO.  When I have done enough in the day, and I can mentally check off a list that satisfies my expectations, I numb myself.  I pour myself a glass or two, or three, of wine, and I veg in front of the TV before I pass out for bed.  I hate that I do it, and I’ve been successful many time of going months without a drink.  I don’t drink to get drunk; I hate being drunk, but I drink to shutdown.  Nothing else seems to slow me down.  If I didn’t have a glass of wine, I’d just keep spinning — GOING.

This Thursday I have my appointment with the psychologist, and I’m hoping to learn some better coping skills.  I’ve learned and tried many before, and sometimes they work for a short spell, but I always end up back at the same place.  It’s pretty typicall for someone with anxiety to suffer from perfectionism, but knowing it doesn’t change it.  All I see in myself is everything that’s wrong.  This morning, however, I will take a minute to love and accept myself the way I am.  F*ck the endless list of chores; this morning I BLOG.




8 Comments Add yours

  1. Simon says:

    That’s a great way to be, step out of life and do what you want. I hope you enjoyed it. Will we see the fruits of this work?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Smartygirl41 says:

      Lol what fruits would that be

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Simon says:

        Your writing fruits? Unless you’ve been growing peaches or something lol

        Liked by 1 person

  2. SeekingGod2 says:

    I’m the opposite. When things hit me, I freeze and stop. Can’t get anything done to save my neck. Normalcy is something in between you and me. We’ll get there. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Smartygirl41 says:

      Well this is my normal and part of having a mental health disorder. It is the way I am …

      Liked by 1 person

      1. SeekingGod2 says:

        I know. I forgot to put the normal in quotes. There IS no normal. It’s whatever we can best do and keep functioning in as healthy of a way as we can. Have a good week, huh.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Smartygirl41 says:

        😘😘 you too. I hope your weekend was ok. I missed ya

        Liked by 1 person

      3. SeekingGod2 says:

        Weekend was good in being with my son. Camping is not for me. Missed talking to you too.

        Liked by 1 person

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