With a million thoughts a minute running through my head, it seems impossible that I would become bored. However, it is the constant thoughts that bring on my state of boredom. Because I can’t focus on any one thing in particular, I give up all together. Instead, I’m either running out my frustration or pouring myself a glass of wine.
I’m an extrovert with generalized anxiety, and I am bored most of the time. I fill my days with morning runs, work, after work gym work outs, occasional outtings, dinner prep, house work, school work, and dog walk, yet I am bored. With boredom comes the waiting game. I’m always waiting; waiting for the boy to call, waiting for my graded assignment, waiting for payday, etc etc. Basically, I’m waiting for anything that brings some excitement to my bored state of being.
I’m not boring, and no, I’m not lazy — I’m mentally disordered and I’m unmedicated. Not that medication took away the boredom; I just didn’t give a shit that I was bored. That has changed; the boredom is painful to me now. I become obsessed with the fact that I’m bored, but I can’t settle my mind down to find something to entertain me. Like all extroverts, I look outward for happiness. I feel most alive when I am being validated, or chased by men (not all men). This is because someone else is recognizing what I have so much trouble seeing — ME. I’m working on it though. This journey to a new me has been slow. I have good, bad, ugly, and surreal days. Today is a good day: positively reflective.