Insanity and Boredom

Image result for Girl lost in thought

With a million thoughts a minute running through my head, it seems impossible that I would become bored.  However, it is the constant thoughts that bring on my state of boredom.  Because I can’t focus on any one thing in particular, I give up all together.  Instead, I’m either running out my frustration or pouring myself a glass of wine.

I’m an extrovert with generalized anxiety, and I am bored most of the time.  I fill my days with morning runs, work, after work gym work outs, occasional outtings, dinner prep, house work, school work, and  dog walk, yet I am bored.  With boredom comes the waiting game.  I’m always waiting; waiting for the boy to call, waiting for my graded assignment, waiting for payday, etc etc.  Basically, I’m waiting for anything that brings some excitement to my bored state of being.

I’m not boring, and no, I’m not lazy — I’m mentally disordered and I’m unmedicated.  Not that medication took away the boredom; I just didn’t give a shit that I was bored.  That has changed; the boredom is painful to me now.  I become obsessed with the fact that I’m bored, but I can’t settle my mind down to find something to entertain me.  Like all extroverts, I look outward for happiness.  I feel most alive when I am being validated, or chased by men (not all men).  This is because someone else is recognizing what I have so much trouble seeing — ME.  I’m working on it though.    This journey to a new me has been slow.  I have good, bad, ugly, and surreal days.  Today is a good day: positively reflective.

 

 

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11 Comments Add yours

  1. SeekingGod2 says:

    Hope the boredom is alleviated some this week. That word is my personal bane, and I know it all too well.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Smartygirl41 says:

      Bad night but there’s always tomorrow

      Liked by 1 person

      1. SeekingGod2 says:

        You talking about you or me regarding the night?

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Smartygirl41 says:

        Well me as I don’t know what’s happening with you tonight. I hope you are well

        Liked by 1 person

      3. SeekingGod2 says:

        Ahh darling. Hope the night yields itself to sleep. I’m awake, grinding away the grist in my mind.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Smartygirl41 says:

        I haven’t been sleeping. Rats in my vents and now…. Pms lol

        Liked by 1 person

      5. SeekingGod2 says:

        I know about the rats. Well.. notch up your brooding to fucked up neural chemistry and blame Eve for it. 🙂

        Like

      6. Smartygirl41 says:

        She a ducking bitch on wheels I tell ya

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Here’s a suggestion: maybe instead of fighting boredom, try allowing boredom to be there. If you can’t allow it to be, that’s fine too. What’s important is that awareness is arising in you. You are a beautiful person and surrounded by all the love and help you need. Namaste.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Smartygirl41 says:

      Great suggestion. It’s difficult for me now that I am no longer on my anxiety medication to just be, but I will keep trying. Thanks so much for commenting.

      Like

  3. Simon says:

    You shouldn’t have to be violated to feel fulfilled… I hope you find good and meaningful relationships ☺

    Liked by 1 person

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