Why are we, as in humans, so damn hard on ourselves? I suppose I shouldn’t speak for all of human kind, so I will rephrase. Why do some of us expect ourselves to be perfect. No one is perfect, and no one expects us to be perfect. Yet, people like myself have a hard time accepting this.
This thought came to me after eating half a cookie from the lunch room today. A split in 2, chocolate chip cookie has me feeling like a total failure; this is a sad fact of who I am. I eat extremely healthy, workout twice a day, and I do my best to reframe from processed sugary food. It should be no big deal that I indulge in a partial treat. But it is. I can’t stop thinking about it, and I’m already calculating how much longer I will need to be at the gym tonight to erase the guilt. It irritates me to no end that I can’t just enjoy a f*cking cookie.
Much of my daily thoughts revolve around what I shouldn’t be do, and what I should be doing better. I shouldn’t have drank that wine last night; I should study for more hours during the week, I should be a better writer, I shouldn’t have skipped my work out on Monday night, etc. etc. etc.
My life is a constant battle of shoulds and shouldn’ts, and it shouldn’t be like that. I’ve read many online articles and blogs that talk about why “shoulds” are unhealthy. Shoulds and shouldn’ts reduce happiness, but I can’t seem to stop them from racing through my mind a million miles an hour. It’s a given that most of this type of thought process is a by-product of my Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Still, I feel I SHOULD be able to stop the constant shit I give myself about not being PERFECT.
Right now I’m thinking I should be writing something interesting and funny. BUT WHY? Why should I be? I don’t feel interesting and funny right now. I started my day with an anxiety attack, and although I’ve managed to be somewhat ok today, I don’t feel great. I feel sad, tired, and lonely, and I feel like I shouldn’t be feeling any of those things. Right now, I want more than anything to have a normal healthy brain.
The best that I can do is to try and be kind to myself. I am who I am; I think the way I think; and I feel the way I feel. I came off anxiety meds because I wanted to feel me; I wanted to feel. I am happy for the reminder of my true self; even the parts that drive me crazy. I’m a should/shouldn’t thinking, and I guess that’s OK.