This morning has been one big disaster, and I’m ready to write it all out of my system. Dealing with my anxiety unmedicated has many challenges, but one of my main sources of anxiety is coming from my best friend. I hate to admit this, but now that I have, I need to figure out a solution.
My friend of over 12 years has been going through a separation/divorce for over a year now, and every morning I meet her for a run, and I listen. I start my day at 5 am listening to someone I love unload her problems, and I can’t do it any more. This morning was my breaking point when she yelled at me when I made the mistake of opening my mouth. Typically, I try to keep my mouth shut, as I know advice or comments are not what she needs. This morning, however, she was super angry, and even though I know she was venting, she was basically taking it all out on me. When she raised her voice at me, I stopped and turned around to walk away, as I needed a breather. This made her cry, and then I felt guilty.
Long story short, my morning start off shitty, and I had a nice big anxiety attack before I even got to work. It took me an hour to work through my anxiety and relax my brain and body. This needs to stop, and I’m the only one that can change the situation. I do not want to hurt my friend, nor do I want her to think she’s done anything wrong. It’s perfectly acceptable for her to be hurting and angry, and it’s understandable that she needs me as an ear. However, 5am is not the time for it. I can’t start my day off this way. Next week, I will be telling her that I need to end our morning runs, as they are not healthy for me. I will explain that I still want to be there for her, and maybe we could meet for a run in the evening. I hope she will understand because I see no other alternative at this point.
I’m sorry for this little rant; I needed this space to get it out of my system. I’m going to post this little beauty, and then I’m going to start another post on a positive note.