My post today is a glimpse into my daily journal writing. My writing helps me evaluate where I’m at, and it also gets me to slow down. Us anxious people are always in such a big rush to make things happen.
July 28, 2016
Part 1 – How I’m Feeling; What I’m Thinking
I’m falling down the hole again, but I’m going to do my best to catch myself. It’s becoming somewhat of a guessing game as to how I will wake up each morning. This morning, I felt physically sick to my stomach, every muscle in my body ached, and my head throbbed unbareably the minute I sat up in bed. I notice how weak I felt as I stood up and walked to the bathroom. As I walked past the full length mirror beside my bedroom door, I was startled by the void look in the eyes of the woman staring back at me. I wanted to go back to bed, but I knew I had to keep on living, so I robotaclly washed my face, brushed my teeth, and dressed for a run. It took evey ounce of willpower to get in my car and meet my friend for our morning run. We ended up just walking today, because there was no way my body could have handled the intensity of even a light jog.
I’ve been ruminating all morning, and my mindfullness techniques are not pulling me out of my cycled thinking. I have images of me leaving work without a word and driving to who knows where. I’d quietly lock my office door and sneak out the back door — I wonder if anyone would notice I was gone. Running away feels like the only escape from these unpredictable mood swings; maybe it would help. Work is triggering me this week; it’s slow, I don’t have a lot to do, and I’m bored. Too much time to think. I am also upset with the way Susan (alias) treated me and John (alias), and now I’m searching for all the reasons she was such a bitch. I’m blaming myself for her bad behaviour. Maybe she’s been talking about me behind my back to everyone at work?!?
Part 2 – Self-help
Self-awareness and self-love reminders:
- It is normal to go through ups and downs as my body adjusts to the chemical changes resulting from medication discontinuation.
- It is normal to feel frustrated and agitated at work if there is little happening to keep me engaged and stimulated.
- It is ok to feel angry, sad, confused, bored, lonely, and scared. Feelings of all kinds are normal and ok.
- It is ok to not like someone, and just because I don’t like someone, doesn’t mean there is something wrong with me.
- Staying in my feelings will be more affective in the long run than running away from them.
- I’m allowed to give myself a break.
- Happy one day, sad the next is not a sign that I can’t be off medication. It is part of the healing process.
- Mindfulness: what am I doing right now? Writing a post. How does your body feel? Sore. Notice how fast you can type; listen to the sounds of the keys as you hit them. Notice your chest rise and fall as you breathe. Notice the sun coming in through the windows. Notice how warm you feel, and how comfortable you are at your desk.
* You are worth loving, you are worth the effort, you are not your thoughts.
I have three journals that I write in several times a day right now. One at work, one in my living room, and one beside my bed. Writing, exercise, and water are my tools of choice to assist me as I come off anxiety and depression medication. Honestly, today, I’m scared that I won’t be able to live without them. I’m afraid I’m kidding myself into believing I can manage my anxiety alone, but I’m still going to try. Part of me believes that I might be broken from being on the medication for as long as I was. Too much thinking going on — time to try more mindfullness.