Writing Myself To Wellness

Fountain Pen on Top of Notebook Beside Drinking Mug

My post today is a glimpse into my daily journal writing.  My writing helps me evaluate where I’m at, and it also gets me to slow down.  Us anxious people are always in such a big rush to make things happen.

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July 28, 2016

Part 1 – How I’m Feeling; What I’m Thinking

I’m falling down the hole again, but I’m going to do my best to catch myself.   It’s becoming somewhat of a guessing game as to how I will wake up each morning.  This morning, I felt physically sick to my stomach, every muscle in my body ached, and my head throbbed unbareably the minute I sat up in bed.  I notice how weak I felt as I stood up and walked to the bathroom.  As I walked past the full length mirror beside my bedroom door, I was startled by the void look in the eyes of the woman staring back at me.  I wanted to go back to bed, but I knew I had to keep on living, so I robotaclly washed my face, brushed my teeth, and dressed for a run.  It took evey ounce of willpower to get in my car and meet my friend for our morning run.  We ended up just walking today, because there was no way my body could have handled the intensity of even a light jog.

I’ve been ruminating all morning, and my mindfullness techniques are not pulling me out of my cycled thinking.  I have images of me leaving work without a word and driving to who knows where.  I’d quietly lock my office door and sneak out the back door — I wonder if anyone would notice I was gone.  Running away feels like the only escape from these unpredictable mood swings; maybe it would help.  Work is triggering me this week; it’s slow, I don’t have a lot to do, and I’m bored.  Too much time to think.  I am also upset with the way Susan (alias) treated me and John (alias), and now I’m searching for all the reasons she was such a bitch.  I’m blaming myself for her bad behaviour.  Maybe she’s been talking about me behind my back to everyone at work?!?

Part 2 – Self-help

Self-awareness and self-love reminders:

  1. It is normal to go through ups and downs as my body adjusts to the chemical changes resulting from medication discontinuation.
  2. It is normal to feel frustrated and agitated at work if there is little happening to keep me engaged and stimulated.
  3. It is ok to feel angry, sad, confused, bored, lonely, and scared.  Feelings of all kinds are normal and ok.
  4. It is ok to not like someone, and just because I don’t like someone, doesn’t mean there is something wrong with me.
  5. Staying in my feelings will be more affective in the long run than running away from them.
  6. I’m allowed to give myself a break.
  7. Happy one day, sad the next is not a sign that I can’t be off medication.  It is part of the healing process.
  8. Mindfulness: what am I doing right now?  Writing a post.  How does your body feel? Sore. Notice how fast you can type; listen to the sounds of the keys as you hit them.  Notice your chest rise and fall as you breathe.  Notice the sun coming in through the windows.  Notice how warm you feel, and how comfortable  you are at your desk.

 

* You are worth loving, you are worth the effort, you are not your thoughts.

END

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I have three journals that I write in several times a day right now.  One at work, one in my living room, and one beside my bed.  Writing, exercise, and water are my tools of choice to assist me as I come off  anxiety and depression medication.  Honestly, today, I’m scared that I won’t be able to live without them.  I’m afraid I’m kidding myself into believing I can manage my anxiety alone, but I’m still going to try.  Part of me believes that I might be broken from being on the medication for as long as I was.  Too much thinking going on — time to try more mindfullness.

 

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8 thoughts on “Writing Myself To Wellness

  1. I wish you luck in your journey to be free of medication. I’ve never tried it, so I can’t really comment on it. But mindfulness has been a great help for me, one I’ve only recently began to seriously attempt to incorporate into my life. Something I thought was very interesting when I attempted to start meditation and mindfulness techniques was how uncomfortable it can be to simply sit without doing anything. Our minds have grown so accustomed to the constant distractions we use to avoid being alone with out thoughts, that the vast majority of people find 10 minutes of sitting still and doing absolutely nothing terrifying if not completely impossible.

    I used this app to get me started meditating again, its called Headspace. anyway, a concept that the creator of the app talks about a lot is visualizing our thoughts as cars on a highway. Often, we have this need to run out and stop certain cars (bad thoughts, anxious thoughts, fear, worry) or to chase after other cars (good thoughts, joy, happiness, peaceful thoughts) but he says, it is vital that we learn to be able to sit back as if we are sitting on the side of the road, and just watch them go by. Let the thoughts come, let them go. It’s a really interesting feeling when you can get into that mindset, it’s not something I have mastered by far, but I am making progress toward it little by little.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your words. I was able to use mindfulness at times on medication and I’ve tried it now being off meds. It’s definitely harder without the help of meds but I am interested in checking out the app you mentioned. I appreciate you sharing what’s helped you, as I’ve always believed we can learn so much from each other. You reminded me today to be more mindful, thank you 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. You can do this! You got this! I’m almost off my antidepressant medication, and there are days I want to go running right back to it. Its nice that my hair is no longer falling out, and the headaches are starting to go away. Keep fighting the good fight!

    Katie

    Liked by 1 person

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