I wonder if I am alone when I feel like life, at times, is overwhelming. This morning I woke up to a rainy Monday, and the world felt heavy on my shoulders. Every home repair that needs tackling glared me in the eye, my check engine light came on (again), two bills were in my hotmail inbox, and I felt rejected by a man I met on the weekend. It all felt too much, and I wanted nothing more than to crawl back into bed and sleep.
The stresses of modern life are constant, yet they are not life threatening. I realize that the problems I worry over are “the little things.” My home repairs will get done at some point, and undoubtably there will be new projects to tackle. The car may die, but if it does, I’m sure I will be able to figure out a solution. Monthly bills are just part of life, they will get paid, and next month they will come again. I don’t even know at this point if the man I met has rejected me; I only assume that he has, as this is what I do. I worry about everything, and sometimes I just want it to stop.
I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD). It’s a mental health disorder that affects millions of people all over the world. Statistically, woman are more prone to the illness; however, it can affect women, men, and even children. There is no cure for GAD, I can only attempt to manage my disorder. My family doctor has had me on different medication over the years, and I have gone to counselling when I can afford it. The medication helps me to think a little more rationally, and cognative theraphy techniques keep me from having full-blown panic attacks. However, there are still days like today, when I’m too tired to work at it.
Managing anxiety is exhausting. If you let your guard down, it can be paralyzing. Anxiety affects my self-esteem and makes me questions my own self-worth. I get angry at myself because I can’t always control it, and I’m embarrassed because I can’t make it go away. I’m at constant battle with my own mind, and today my mind is winning. I have so much frustration with myself building up inside — today is a one of my bad days.
My intention when I sat down to write this morning was to post something light and maybe even funny. I don’t like writing about my dark days, but they are part of me, and I can’t ignore them. The best I can do today is to try and be kind to myself; remember to love myself, and ultimately accept myself.