Forgotten Sensations

Adjusting to my new medication has been interesting.  The fact that I’m awake at 9pm, and writing this post, for instance, would not have happened a week ago.  However, it’s been a week since I’ve written anything at all, and not because I haven’t tried.  I’ve sat in front of my computer every day for the past week with only brief moments of focus.  A frustrating side-effect that I hope is temporary.   I’ve also had random burst of high energy followed by extreme fatigue.  Although the fatigue does not make me sleep.  Instead, I just feel tired and spaced out.  I have had periods of my day spent staring at the wall without realizing I haven’t moved or even thought for 20 minutes.  Strangely, I’ve found that side-effect to be relaxing.  I can’t remember the last time that I wasn’t acutely aware of every thought running through my head.

Over the past couple days, I’ve been extremely relax.  No anxiety and no depression.  All my senses seem to be hightened as well, especially my sense of touch.  I’m interested to see how my mind and body adjust to this drug over the long run.  Besides a lack of creativity, I’m happy with the small changes.  Part of me though wonders if I’m experiencing small glimpses of myself without drugs.  I have completely weaned myself off my old drug — successfully.  Very little withdrawal, and my anxiety did not increase except for the first day.  So I wonder, am I feeling myself?  The person underneath the medication.  I’ve been medicated for over 11 years, so I’m not sure I’d recognize her if I saw her.

What if my medications have deadened me, and for the first time in years I feel alive?  Will that go away once the new medication is in full affect?  What would happen after all these years if I decided to just stop taking my meds?   These are questions I’ve been asking myself for the last two days.

I’ve promised myself to continue on the new meds for at least a month and see what happens.  Well my laptop just died, and I had to get out of bed to plug it in, so I guess that means bedtime.  I’m not sure if anything I’ve written tonight even makes any sense, but it least I wrote something.  Tonight, I’m thankful for experiencing some long forgotten sensations that I hope are back to stay.


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