My Alter Ego: The Miracle Maker

Tyler Durden is Jack’s attractive, charming, and daring alter ego in the movie “Fight Club.”  In the movie, Jack feels incapable of changing his own life, and so Tyler is born.  His alter ego takes charge and makes things happen.  This was the inspiration to the creation of my own alter ego.  Before I make myself smile2sound completely nuts, let me first explain that unlike Jack, I am completely aware of my alter ego.  I am not delusional (I think).   My alter ego is my strength; she has no fear (anxiety), as she is completely confident in everything she does.

This weekend was rough on me, and my anxiety over finances was literally making me sick to my stomach.  I wanted to shut the world off and let someone else deal with my problems.  I felt as though nothing was going right in my life, and I had no idea how to fix it.  And so, Felicia Branwen was created.  Yes, I named her. I felt I needed a way of identifying her.  The name means Prosperity and Dark Beauty.  She was all the parts of me I needed to be during this time.  She was fearless, beautiful, and money savvy.

She of course, was just a picture in my head of who I needed and wanted to be.  I needed a clear head to sort out my situation, and my anxiety was getting in the way.  She reassured me that everything was going to be ok, and that I am capable of taking care of myself.  She hushed every self-berating thought that entered my mind.  She took charge and made things happen.

There are many things that have been aggrevating my anxiety lately. The most serious issue is that of money.  As mentioned before, I am trying to dig myself out of some serious debt incurred during my last relationship.  This debt sits over my head, but I am making every effort to rectify my situation.  This weekend, my car broke down, and the mechanic I took it to told me my motor was shot.  He estimated a $4000 repair was needed.  After a good cry and some wine, I came up with the idea of becoming a person who deals with issues effortlessly.  Felicia (me) mentioned her (my) problem to all of my friends.  She was soliciting advice; she asked — she received.  I was referred to another mechanic who offered to look over my car free of charge.

This morning I dropped off my car, and a friend from work picked me up.  A couple of hours ago, I received the call from the mechanic.  “There’s nothing wrong with your car.” He tells me.  Apparently, a spark plug blew and a cylinder is clogged.  “OMG, this is great news, what do I need to do to fix it?” I ask.  His replies: “drive the hell out of it”

All I need to do to fix my car is drive it.  I do not need to sell all my belonging, and beg the bank for more money.  I just need to drive — drive I can do!  What’s even better is that since this happened I have started my reset process (read last post).  Last night, I went through all my things.  I selected items that I was ready to let go of and put them up for sale.  I have already had a few inquiries, so my problem may even result in some extra cash.

I am a spiritual person and I do pray.  I don’t have religion, but I believe I am connected to something bigger than myself.  It was after a night of praying that I dreamt up the idea of an alter ego.  I needed to be the strongest me I could possibly be.  I needed strength, courage, and wisedom.  Felicia is just a name I give to the strength I found.  She is my confidence; she is my miracle.

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