What do you do when you find yourself in times of trouble? Simon and Garfunkel had a bridge, but I’ve looked everywhere and I can’t find it. My anxiety has been mounting for the past few weeks. So much so, that I booked an appointment with my doctor to discuss changing my meds. Believe it or not, I am actually a very positive person when my anxiety is not running it’s nasty course.
Knowing my current state of mind, I decided to do everything possible to keep my calm this weekend. MISTAKE #1. On Friday evening, I learned that my ex-boyfriend is having a child with someone. This is the man that took me for $30,000, told me he wanted kids “someday”, and beat my self-esteem to a pulp. Now, I’m not saying I wish it were me having his child. In no way do I wish for that to be true. However, the selfish side of myself that I do my best to hide, is very upset. She is angry that he injured her soul, and now he is rewarded with the gift of family. My rational and more mature side, say’s “good for him.” Right now, I am not in a mature mood.
Yesterday, I went for a long trail run to work out my feelings over this news. I had an amazing run, and I felt strong and powerful by the end of it. I ran over 11km in the hills behind my house; the sun brought rays of hope and renewal. When I finished the run, I hopped in my car and drove to the grocery store for some dinner ingredience. I wandered the produce section feeling light and optimistic. Lettuce wraps were on the menu for tonight; something special to celebrate my freedom. With groceries bags packed lining the back seat, I start the engine and — it stalls.
Weird! I just put $900 into her for maintenance a couple months ago; she should be fine. My left foot pushes the clutch pedal hard to the floor and I start her up again. The whole car shakes like she on one of those stupid vibration machines at the gym. I put her into first gear and start driving. Everthing is fine, I turn onto the highway and head home. Clank, Clank, Clank – – OMG what was that. I turn the radio down and listen — everything sounds fine. I drive with both the windows down; listening carefully for any strange noise. I must have imagined it? Maybe I ran over something? Regardless the car is running fine. I pull the car into the turn off lane and she starts to shake. I notice as soon as I take the foot off the gas, the whole car rumbles like an unbalanced washing machine. WT? I pull up to the first stop sign and “Stall”. OK, I’m getting this. The car is idling low and stalling out. Maybe a spark plug? Hmmm.
I spend the evening doing my best to keep the thoughts of my ex’s spawn and my cars engine issues out of my mind. Nothing I can do tonight, and most likely I’m overreacting as people with anxiety often do. This morning, I get up and Google. I scour the net for possible causes to my cars little hiccup. (Knock sensor, low oil pressure, — worst case scenerio: motor replacement required) Sh*T, please don’t be the motor. It’s Sunday morning, and the only place open is Canadian Tire. If you don’t live in Canada, Canadian Tire is the “Walmart” of automotive. I have no choice; I need to get her fixed. The appointment is set for 1pm, and my step-dad has agreed to follow me there (just in case).
It takes them two hours to get her into the garage to hook her up to their diagonstic machines, and then another hour to tell me the motor is shot. Insert heart sinking sound here. My worst fear is reality. I’m bogged down with the debt from my ex (who is starting a new family) and now I have to find the money to either buy a new car or fix this one. The only thing I can do is cry, and say F*ck (many times). The young guy working at the service counter is obviously feeling my pain, as he gives me a discount and a number to a used car sales friend of his. My step-dad has been my saviour for the day. He spent the whole day waiting with me, and now he feels terrible and doesn’t know what to say. I wipe my tears away and say “it is what it is, and I will figure it out.”
I know I will find a solution; I always do. I may have to build a make-shift rickety bridge to carry me over this river of sh*t, but I will figure it out. Life has been known to test my strength, but each and every time, I have shown it my strength. I may cry a little (or a lot), but I survive. I’ve been told that “Darkness brings the light”, so I wait. I wait for the clouds to part way to let down the promised light. Until then, I will walk the bridge over troubled waters, and as the lyrics go “Your time has come to shine
All your dreams are on their way” I will ease my mind.
Lyrics by Paul Simon
Bridge Over Troubled Waters.