I Desire to Desire

There are eight posts stored in my draft box, and I have no intentions on finishing any of them.  My inspiration has run dry, much like my sex drive.  I can live with temporary writer’s block; however, I can no longer live with a lack of sexual desire.  For the past six years, I have been on Citalopram which is an anti-depressant/anxiety medication. Citalopram is the third anti-anxiety medication I have been on over the past 15 years.

My med journey started with my favorite, yet most dangerous drug — Paxil. Oh how I loved Paxil.  Paxil was my little pink pill of happiness.  I had no cares in the world: I didn’t care about money, my weight, my job, my relationships — nothing.  On Paxil, all I cared about was feeling good.  I did whatever I wanted no matter what the consequences.  I smoked weed daily, abused alcohol, and engaged in constant satisfying sex.  A lowered labito is a common side-effect on SSRI meds; however, I experienced the opposite on Paxil.  After a string of men, a miscarraige, 40lb weight gain, and a drinking problem, I decided I needed to stop taking my meds (2 year after starting).  I went cold-turkey, which resulted in 3 months of unbearable withdrawals.  Vertigo was the worst symptom, and then there was depression, anxiety, the shakes, and migraines.  The only good thing that came from my detox was the weight loss.  I lost almost all of the weight I had gained in the first 2 months.

I was 3 months off my meds when I was hit with another major blow.  My job of 10 years was closing it’s doors, and I was faced with the possibility of a financial crisis.  My major anxiety trigger is a lack of security.   I received this news within weeks of going through a mis-carriage, so my emotions were not at their best to begin with.  I ended up taking a job that paid well, but one that I hated.  My boss was a micro-manager, who did everything in his power to make me feel stupid and useless.  Right around the same time as taking this job, I met Sean.  I have only mentioned Sean in my previous posts as my abusive ex.  I have not mentioned his name until today.  I will leave the full story of Sean for another post, but I can tell you that from day one, he broke my spirit and destroyed any self-respect I may have had at the time.  Needless to say, I returned to my doctor.  I was broken and anxious and I needed help.

I was unwilling to go back on Paxil, so he tried me on Wellbutrin.  Wellbutrin and me do not mix well.  It not only increased my anxiety levels, but also added a dash of paranoia.  The year on Wellbutrin is somewhat of a blurr for me.  My drinking hit an all-time high, and when I drank on Wellbutrin I always blacked out.  I made a complete ass of myself, or at least that’s what I was told.  I remember waking up after a night of drinking feeling completely terrified of what I might have done.  I was embarrassed and more anxious than ever.  After explaining my behaviour to the doctor, he decided to try me on Citalopram.

What can I say about Citalopram?  I guess I can say it takes the edge off a little, but certainly doesn’t elimiate my anxiety.  It does lower my levels of “highs”, which I do not like at all.  Basically, nothing really excites me in life.  I can feel happy from time to time, but usually I feel “neutral” with a side of depression.  I have stayed on Citalopram because it has caused me the least amount of side-effects.  However, I am starting to think my lack of sex drive relates to this drug.  For years, I believed I didn’t want to have sex because of the person I was with.  Sex with Sean was unfullfilling, and usually left with a “dirty” feeling.  My relationship with Sean ended 3 years ago, and in that time I have had sex twice.  Both times, I did not get off.

I do not think about sex, and I do not get turned on.  I want to want to have sex.  I am 41 years old, but feel 90.  I have not met a man I’m attracted to in ages, and it’s really starting to bother me.  I miss feeling sensual and sexy.  Men tell me I’m sexy, but I do not feel it.   Yesterday, I made an appointment to see my doctor.  On May 9, I will walk into his office and tell him I want to try something new.  I want what other women my age have — SEX.  I’m terrified to change drugs; I’m scared of the possible risks of alternative side-effects.  I fear withdrawal and craziness.  Fear has held me back for too long, however.  I am stronger than that, I am strong than my Anxiety Disorder.

“I haven’t Failed… I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”  Thomas Edison


One Comment Add yours

  1. thepurpledreamer says:

    Bless you, it definitely sounds like them meds aren’t working. Hope you get somewhere after your next appointment!

    Liked by 1 person

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