I’m a Quitter

Everything is a blur today.  I woke up feeling ok; went for my run; showered and came to work.  Since 7:30am until right now (11:00am), everything feels wrong.  I feel wrong; the world feels wrong, and it’s all because I QUIT nicorette at 7:00pm last night.  I quit out of the blue, with no plan in place, and today I’m practically crawling out of my skin.

I began chewing nicorette gum after my second attempt to quit smoking, which was about 12 years ago.  It worked; I quit smoking.  Unfortunately, I have been on and off the nicorette gum ever since — mostly, on.  I quit for 10 months last year only to develop an extremely obsessive regular gum addiction.  I was chewing about 3 packs of regular gum a day which was killing my gums and teeth, so I went back to nicorette.

Last night I picked up a small package of nicorette on my way home, but I have yet to open it.  Everytime I thought of having a piece last night I stopped myself and said “do you really need a piece of gum?” I would take a deep breath, and I didn’t have one piece last night.  Nothing so far today; however, it is killing me.   I have wanted to beat this addiction for a long time, but it has a powerful hold on me.  It soothes my anxiety, or at least it seems to.  I want to quit, but I also don’t.    I’m tired of wasting thousands of dollars a year on this crazy addiction.  I worry for my teeth and my general health as well.  I’m scared though.  I feel valunerable and naked.  Regardless I will not let it win today – today I am done.

I’m not allowing myself to chew regular gum in it’s place because I have no desire to pick up that habit again.  But right now I feel really terrible.  There is a buzzing sound in my ears, and I’m totally spaced out.  Strangely my teeth hurt; I think I must be grinding them.  That is probably why my jaw and gums also ache.   I have the worse headache ever, and all I want is a piece of damn gum.  Every few minutes, without thought, I reach for my purse to grab a piece of gum.  The only thing I can do is keep breathing.  Deep slow breaths.  All I need to do is make it through today, and maybe tomorrow will be better.

Today’s mantras

I CAN DO THIS – I CAN DO THIS – I CAN DO THIS – I CAN DO THIS

Take a deep breathe – breathe – relax – breathe

The withdrawal maybe excruciating, but I will keep my thoughts positive.  I will visualize myself calm and addiction free.  I will think about the money saved, and picture my savings account getting bigger.  I will remember why I want to quit, and I will remember that I am strong – stronger than the addiction.

I can do this – I know I can.

 

 

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