But Only a Dream

I’m standing in front of the house I used to live in with my ex-husband.  The air is chilly, and ominous clouds hover above.  There is someone standing behind me; I feel a jolt of energy run through my body…

All of a sudden I am standing in the kitchen, and I realize the house is completely distroyed.  I have my house back, but it will cost thousands to repair the damages… from out of nowhere my boss looks at me disapprovingly, and say’s “how could you let this happen?”  I want to tell him I’m sorry, but he’s gone and I’m…..

I’m in a car, holding hands with a faceless man – I’m in love.  I love being in love; I feel full of joy and happiness.  He turns to look at me, and I see it’s the barista from my favorite coffee shop.  How did I not know that I was in love with this man?  We are having so much fun; we are completely head over heals for eachother.  I go to kiss him and I realize…. 

It’s now my ex-boyfriend driving the car, but it’s not a car anymore – we are sitting in my living room.  Why is it not the barista in my living room; I don’t want to be in love with me ex.  He’s standing now, looking down at me.  He tells me I need to be ok with him having another girlfriend if things are going to work out between us.  I start YELLING at no one “BUT I DON’T WANT THIS” It’s completely silent….

As I’m run through the trails behind my house; it’s the hottest time of the day, and I have no water.  My legs are burning, and my eyes are stinging from the sweat dripping into them.  I want to stop, but I can’t because the rest of my coworker are close by, and they will pass me.  The barista is by my side, and he encourages me to keep going.  We get to the finish line, and he pulls me into his arms.  “You did it, I’m so proud, and I love you so much.”  

I wake up.  I am totally disoriented, and when I close my eyes I can still feel my loves embrace.  Suddenly I realize I have to pee, but there are no bathrooms.  My eyes open, the sensation to go is real.  I sigh knowing I have to let the dream go, but I don’t want to.  I want to hold on to the feeling of being loved again.  To realize it isn’t real is heartbreaking.  I actually feel sad.  I roll to my side, and turn on the bedside lamp.  I can no longer hold it in.  I need to get up.  I mentally let go of my fantasy love – it’s gone now.

I dream almost every night.  Not always about being in love; however, more so lately.  Being single was great for a couple years, but I have been ready for love for awhile.  It just isn’t happening, and the longer I remain single, the more I miss being in love.  I find myself getting excited about sleeping, because I am loved only in my dreams.  Loved by a man that is.

In the past I have experienced dreams about lost loved ones.  Family or friends who have passed on.  In my dreams I can talk to them again, and I am so happy they are not dead any longer.  When I wake, I have to mourn them all over again.

Dreaming is bittersweet.  You can have all the things you want that are either not possible or not available right now in real life.  However, when you wake up the feeling of loss can be unbareable.  These types of dreams can affect my mood for the whole day.   I yearn for what isn’t or can’t be.  But still, I am glad for them.  I am grateful for the feeling of love, or the opportunity to tell my grandma how much I miss her and love her.

I love dreaming – I hope to dream until the end of my days.




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