Exhaustion has taken over today. I’ve been putting it off,pretending like I didn’t notice it coming on. For days I’ve been running on auto pilot; moving through my day by sheer determination. But today, I surrender to the fatigue. Not because I want to, but because I have no choice. My mind is numb, and my body weary. My eyes threatening to close, while my brain forces them open. I watch the clock at work tick by slowly – will this day ever end. I am tired, and I am barely functioning. This happens to me every few months, and when it does I know it’s time for a rest.
Like most people I live a busy life. I get up each morning at 5:00 a.m. and go for a quick 30 minute run. I run to clear my head and prepare for the grueling day ahead. I’m a human resource manager, so my work days are filled with endless fires to put out and administrative tasks.Not that I don’t I love my job, I do, but it takes a lot out of me. At 4:30 p.m. (if I’m lucky) my work day is done and I head to the gym to either teach or do my own work out. I used to teach four-nights-a-week, but in my old age I have had to cut it back to one. By 6:30 p.m. I’m on my way home to tackle a couple hours of school work, make dinner, prepare my lunch for the next day, and walk the dog. I get about half an hour before bed to read or watch T.V. just to unwind. I’m in bed by 9:00 p.m., and honestly I only stay up that late on principle alone. Anything early makes me feel too old. And then – I do it again the next day and the next and ….
My days are full, and I like that. I like to accomplish tasks – it makes me feel like I am really living. However, from time to time it wears me out. I get to a point when my body just simply shuts down. There are warning signs when this is about to happen, yet I wait until I can barely function before I rest. I notice at first that it’s harder to get up in the morning. When the alarm goes off I feel like someone just kicked the shit out of me, and I have doubts I will physically be able to get out of bed. Next I notice the irritability. I can barely stand to have a conversation with someone, and I fear I’m going to tell them to shut the hell up. After a while I start to lose focus at work, and I begin skipping tasks that I feel can wait until tomorrow – like writing my blog. When I’ve reached about 2 weeks worth of fatigue, my workouts start to suffer. I still force myself to the gym, but I’m so exhausted I might as well just have skipped it. This is when I know I don’t have long. Within a day or so I struggle through each day, just waiting until it’s time to go to bed again. All I can think about it sleeping. Finally, I crash.
Now normally when this happens to me, I head straight to Winners to buy myself something pretty, stop at the liquor for a bottle of wine, head over to the chopped leaf and pick up dinner, rent a movie off cable, and VEG. This is exactly what I want to do, but I can’t (won’t). With my new budget and promise wine only on Fridays, I am unable to turn to my usual devices. This worries me because I don’t know how else to reward myself. I need something that say’s “good job, now take a break.” I guess I can break the wine rule and have a glass tonight, but without the little gift, dinner and movie it’s not the same. I could just go home after work and watch TV, but this will not re-energize me. I will feel just as tire, if not more tired tomorrow.
I need a new reward system; something that doesn’t require money, but I’m at a total loss as to what that could be. I live in a small town, so there isn’t much to do as far as entertainment. And even if there was something to do, it would still cost money. I could read a book, but honestly I’m too tired. I need something fun; something enjoyable and mindless. It’s not warm enough yet to go to the beach, but the snow is gone so I can’t make a snowman. There are 70Km/hr winds today; otherwise, I would consider a leisurely walk. DOWNTIME is just to hard.
My goal for March is to find fun. Fun that doesn’t require exercise or brainpower. It needs to be easy, childlike, even childish. I want to be entertained! I’m proud of myself for my accomplishment; but if I don’t find a way to enjoy life from time to time, it’s all for nothing.